Dear Nora

Dear Nora,

A year ago I was anxiously waiting for you. I hadn't met you yet, but you were all I could think about. I had so many questions about you. Would you look like me, or your dad? What color eyes would you have? Would you have hair, what color would it be? Would you have blue eyes? Would you be tiny, or big? What would that little face look like? Would you sleep good? What about breastfeeding, would you be able to latch? Would you cry all the time, or would I be able to soothe you?Would you even like me?

Oh how I prayed you would like me. I was so scared of you, Nora. I was scared you'd notice all the things wrong about me. I was scared you'd love other's more than me. And in turn, I was so worried I would t know how to love you either. I was so scared of failing you, and not being a good mother. I was so scared of something happening to you. 

A year ago I was waiting to feel you move inside of me. You crazy girl, you'd make me wait all day! Not until midnight or later is when you'd start making your movements! I can't tell you how many times I went to labor and delivery to check on you- the staff knew who I was! And every time I went I'd stare at the machine watching your heart beat. And oh how that machine got you moving! You did not like being pushed on or bugged. You had sass even in the womb. 

A year ago me and your dad would walk around at night. He wanted so much to meet you. He thought the walks would get you here sooner! We'd talk about how in trouble we were- we knew you'd be stubborn just like us. You also would never have the chance to not be crazy, we are your parents after all. 

We made the decision for me to get induced. We couldn't wait any more, and I was ready to start worrying about you where I could see you! For some reason I thought that would be an easier worry to handle-- boy was I wrong!

I'll never forget getting to the hospital. I was so scared. I felt bad for getting induced because I worried maybe you weren't ready yet and I was being selfish. One of the nurses scared me that the induction wouldn't even work. Thanks lady, tell me something to only make it worse! But we went through with it anyway. I sat there staring at the machine through every contraction. I had to make sure you were handling it ok. You did. You did so well. We both did. I was amazed by how strong we were. Your dad kept telling me how good I was doing, and kept tugging at my IV. I also very much remember that. 

He was our biggest cheerleader. I didn't know if I could do it, giving birth isn't easy. It was tiring. But I knew it would be worth it, and I would do anything to finally meet you. A year ago I had never seen you daddy cry. But he cried when you were born. He felt your heart and mine beating together through the umbilical cord. He says that was the coolest thing for him to feel our hearts beating in his hand.

They placed you on me. And I cried. We cried together. I had never loved anything or anyone as much as I loved you. I couldn't even see your face. I could only see your curly, dark hair. But I knew you were beautiful. You were beautiful. You were loved. You were my reason for living. You were perfection. A year later, you still are all these things. 

A year ago I didn't know what it meant to be tired. Boy, I was tired. I didn't sleep for the first few days after you were born. All I could do was stare at you. All I could do was hold you. Weeks were like this. Those weeks turned into months. My prayers were answered, you undoubtedly loved me, even if just at the time it was for food. But it was more than that. You knew me. And you wanted only me. I spent countless nights holding you all night, and we'd sleep in the rocker. Your dad took it a little personal when you would cry over him just looking at you. Good sense in character is what I say;) But I was very grateful when you did start trusting him so I could get some rest too. As hrs as those sleepless nights were, they only made me love you more. 

A year ago I wouldn't have known that your smile and blue eyes would change my life. I never would've known that still a year later, your heartbeat would bring me so much peace. I still check it while you sleep, I love hearing it without the machine. Some people think I worry too much. That may be true. But they're not your mom. No one can love you or know you like I do. No one can know what's best for you like I do. I never want you to feel alone. I never want you to be sad or hurt. And while I can't realistically protect you from any pain, I can be there with you and be there for you as much as I humanly can. I protect you because I love you.

I never knew gratitude quite as much as I do now until I met you. Each and every day I am filled with gratitude because of you, and for you. Although a year ago I was scared I couldn't love you enough, I now don't know how I could love you more. You bring me so much joy, Nora. You are funny. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are my joy. Nora, if only you could comprehend the love me and your dad have for you. Someday you will, but until then all we can do is say it and show it as best we can.

Although I am not a perfect mom, I love you perfectly. Being a mother is not easy, but loving you comes so easily. I am a better person because you are my daughter. 

A year ago I never knew how fast 365 days could go by. The nine months it took for you to get here seemed much longer. But I remember this year with so much love. 

I remember the day we brought you home and how tiny you were in your seat, and how your dad accidentally ran a red light (I'll never let him live that down). I remember hearing you snort like a pug dog, it was the cutest sound we had ever heard. I remember your dad changing your diapers because I was scared of your umbilical cord. I remember your little cry, and all the hiccups you would get. I remember your tiny sneezes, they always came in twos. I remember the first time you rolled over, it surprised me because I rarely laid you down. I remember the nights where I wanted to give up breastfeeding because it was hard, but knew you needed it-- even if sometimes it was just for comfort. I remember being scared about the speed of the ceiling fan- ok, that was a little neurotic. Same with all the nights I'd check your temperature at least a dozen times at night. I remember your doctor visits and how you were always right on track. I remember your cries when getting your shots, and oh how I wish I could take away the hurt. I remember how you somehow knew and wanted only me to hold you, and really hated your daddy... He couldn't even touch your toes. And oh those toes were cute! I remember when you'd smile in your sleep. Or your first laugh, oh it was a cute laugh. I remember your smiles when you would see me. I remember the "oh" sounds you'd make all night long instead of sleeping. Those "oh" sounds were replaced by the fascinated "ooooo" sounds. I remember your first solid foods, you chosen it down. And the way your thighs would get stuck in the Bumbo. I remember when all you wanted to do was sit, and when you would secretly roll over when I wasn't looking. I remember reading you "Sweet Child of Mine" over and over. Or listening to "Let it Go" good change any meltdown to complete joy. I remember how you learned to crawl in what seemed like a matter of minutes. And not long after you started to walk. I remember when you started crying "mama," and your games of peek-a-boo. I remember how I'm constantly just looking at you and smiling, you're so smart and so funny. I remember your instant love for chicken nuggets, you are after all your mother's daughter. I remember you squeals while me or daddy would chase you, it's one of your favorites. I remember your open mouth kisses. I remember how determined you are. I remember how you won't let your dad put his hand on me, because if you do you'll come over and pull it off, replace his hand with yours, and stare him down to remind him I'm yours. I remember how I can take a shower and when I am finished, you get excited to see me as if it's the first time in months. I will always remember the love you make feel. 

Nora, a year ago I was waiting to meet you. I was waiting for you. I had been waiting for you all my life. A year ago I never knew how much I could love you. And I know in a year from now, I will only love you more. And I will forever be grateful to a kind and loving Heavenly Father who gave me you. Thank you for loving me, despite my shortcomings and faults.  You will forever be my baby girl. I love you always and forever, sweet child of mine. 

Love, Your Mama

I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

For Austin-- I notice you.

Two years ago, this month, you proposed to me. We had no idea what life would have in store for us. We had no idea of the hurdles that we would have to go through to get us to the day we'd become husband and wife, for all time and eternity. We had no idea how hard managing money would be. We had no idea just how different we were, and the arguments and blessings that would come from that. We had no idea that I'd always be right;) We had no idea that just a few short months into our marriage we'd find out we were going to have a baby. We had no idea what it meant to be tired. We had no idea that going to the grocery store would feel like a night out on the town. We had no idea we could love this much, of each other or Nora. 

I don't think we had any idea two years ago of what love really was. I think we're still learning. And I feel like I've always loved you. 

I want you to know that I notice you. I have since the first night I met you. 

I noticed the way you walked in with your brother, you were pretty quiet that night. 

I noticed the way you tried to buy everyone dinner that night, and then later ice cream. 

I noticed you talking to another girl. You stopped talking to her though, and somehow would always end up standing next to me. Or how you broke up a fight without hesitation. Secretly I was going to try and help, but got scared. 

I noticed when at church you didn't ask for my number when other guys did, only for me to go home and see you gave me yours. Only you gave me the wrong number. 

I noticed how after work you'd text me. And pretended my boring life was interesting, because me eating Cheerios was in no way exciting. 

I noticed how how cautious you were when you switched our group date into a one on one. 

I noticed how you were late that night. Now I'm the one running late all the time. 

I noticed you smiling, or how you touched your face because the smiling hurt. And when you slyly put your arm around back of my chair. And your awkward hug at the end of our first date. 

I noticed how you were nervous about saying you wanted to kiss me. And made me go in for our first kiss. 

I noticed how nervous you were when you talked about wanting us to be in a relationship, even though it would be distant. 

I noticed you pay for every date. And how you opened the door for me. 

I noticed how you told me you wanted to marry me before you even told me you loved me. 

I noticed the sweet good morning and goodnight texts. 

I noticed you making me feel like I was the most beautiful and important girl in the world. You made me feel of worth. I'd never felt that way before. 

I noticed how you made me love you. It wasn't hard.

I noticed your beard when you picked me up from the shuttle. You shaved a few days later. I didn't know that would be the second to last time I'd see your cute baby face. 

I noticed you walk through a crowd of people and get down on one knee. I think you were nervous. You gave me my engagement ring. And my wedding band. I told you to hold onto that. 

I noticed you even in your darkest days you tried to make me happy. You told me I could walk away. But you were my happy. I also noticed you would never give me that option again. 

I noticed your smile when you first saw me in my wedding dress. Or the grin that wouldn't leave your face while we knelt at the alter. You probably noticed how nervous I was. I was still nervous I filled out the marriage license wrong.

I noticed how you took care of me when I passed out. And that you were holding me when I came to. I noticed you hug my mom and admit that you were scared the whole time. 

I noticed you dig through the garbage to point out there were two lines on the pregnancy test. And how you looked at me and said: "Baby, we're having a baby."

I noticed you working hard to take care of us financially. Even when it seemed like your body couldn't do anymore. 

I noticed how you loved shopping for baby stuff. You were more into it than me back then. Or how you would think of baby names, and by the names you picked you must've thought we were giving birth to a 72 year old lady. 

I noticed the nights you'd take me to labor and delivery because you were worried about me and the baby. 

I noticed the excitement on your face when we were told I'd be induced in two days. And how you took me out to dinner so I could stress eat. And once again you looked at me with a smile that wouldn't go away as you said, "Baby, we're having a baby." 

I noticed you try to comfort me while I was in labor. It was hard for you. You kept squishing my IV. I noticed you never left my side once we got to the hospital. Or how you'd tell me when I was having a big contraction.

I noticed you cheering me on. Making me believe I was the strongest girl in the world. 

I noticed you as I saw you cry for the first time when Nora was born. The relief that came on your face when she finally cried. The look of awe on your face when you felt our hearts beating through the umbilical cord. And your wet eyes as you kept saying, "She is beautiful."

I noticed you stay up all night to help me with her. Those first few weeks were rough. I noticed all the diaper changed. Especially while she had that gross umbilical corded belly button. We both know how grossed out by it I was. 

I noticed you leave for work. And how nervous you were for me, and how I would handle doing it all alone. I noticed you coming home from work and cooking us dinner because Nora wouldn't let me do anything it seemed. 

I noticed you asking me to move to Utah. And how you said you needed me to do this for you. I noticed your worry for how I would do there because I'd know nobody.  

I notice you waking up early and coming home late every day.

I notice you staying up late to keep me company. 

I notice you holding Nora at the beginning of dinner so I can eat first before she realizes I'm no longer giving all my attention to her. 

I notice you clean the toilet. Good job, bud. 

I notice you crawl on the floor to play with Nora even though it hurts. 

I notice you get a little annoyed when you're just trying to play with her but she's jumping off your lap to try and get to me. I will get jealous when one day she'll only want you. 

I notice you get me anything I want. Even when you shouldn't! You spoil me way too much. 

I notice you picking out clothes for Nora. It seems like my love for animal print has rubbed off on you. 

I notice you stress over our finances. Someday we'll figure it out. 

I notice you laugh. Whenever you do. I still think it's the cutest thing. 

I notice you smiling at your phone. It's a cute smile. I know you're watching some random video on Facebook. You'll eventually message it to me. 

I notice you keep calm while I freak out. Like that time Nora decided to try and eat a sticker. Or when there was that thunder storm. 

I notice you still tell me I'm pretty, even though I think I'm far from it. 

I notice how you try to take me on dates still. Which is very hard.

I notice you tired. Every single day. But you still keep working. You still keep trying. 

I notice you serving others even though a lot of the time you just want to relax. 

I notice your sacrifices. You give up some of the things you want to give Nora and I the things we want. 

I notice your selflessness. Your happiness is my happiness. 

I notice you. I appreciate you. I don't say that enough. 

I had no idea how much more I'd love you than I did two years ago. 

Nora's birth story

I can still remember so clearly the first appointment I had for Nora. I didn't know how far along I was, but according to my last period I was at least 6 weeks. I was having sharp pains and cramps so they wanted to get me checked by an OB/GYN but my regular doctor was out of office so they booked me an appointment with another. Sitting in the doctors office, I was so nervous and excited!! I was going to see my little jellybean, hear that heartbeat.

They did an ultrasound, and the doctor was very quiet as she stared at the screen. She was quiet because there was nothing. No tiny little jellybean to give us that heartbeat that the women in the movies cried over. I was told it could be an early miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. My human growth levels in my blood was very low.

I was devastated. I felt like I'd lost someone, though it's someone I'd never really had. I got a blessing from Austin to help comfort me as we waited for more test results. I never knew just how much I wanted and loved this child as o did when I thought it was gone.

Nine months later, I was sitting in my doctor's office for my last prenatal appointment. I think I spent the whole nine months worrying I could lose her, because in the very beginning I was told I may have. The pregnancy wasn't easy, I was sick a lot. I was depressed a lot. (Hello 60 lb weight gain.) (I think I'll write a blog post about my depression, but that will have to wait, because that's REAL talk.) I was anxious and worried. A lot. Are you catching a theme? I didn't want to be pregnant anymore, I was ready to worry about my baby outside of me where I could see her!

My last prenatal appointment was the day before the big D-day, April 22. I had emphasized a lot to Dr. Lee (best OB/GYN ever) that I realllly didn't want to go over my due date. I was having some issues with dizziness and carpal tunnel with pregnancy. And like I said, wanted to finally meet this baby! Dr. Lee went straight to the point, I'd be induced in two days as it was the only opening for induction and she knew I didn't want to go too far past my due date. And then suddenly, I was ok to be pregnant longer because oh my heck I was freaking out. And then there was little Austin, happy as a clam. Was ready to announce it to the world. I on the other hand wanted comfort food. 

Thursday came quickly. Very quick. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning because of lower back pain. Contractions. They were pretty regular but like other contractions I had, I chalked it up to false preterm labor. I tried going back to sleep but was hurting pretty good, Austin was snoring, and I was anxious. We did some last minute errands and waited until 5pm to call labor and delivery like we were told. She told me the good news- I would come in at 7. Austin was practically jumping with joy telling me to hurry up and finish getting ready, and I was scared out of my freaking mind! I took a quick shower and we left. 

Checking in was quick. They hooked me up to a monitor and I watched as my contractions came every 3 minutes. Answered lots of questions, could tell they weren't sure why I was being induced a day after my due date with a completely healthy pregnancy. But they did point out I was in early labor already. 

The midwife came in and I know you're not supposed to judge people, but I didn't like her. She had creepy eyes and a weird smile with big teeth. She basically said she didn't like that I was being induced and said its a good possibility I'll be sent home in 24 hours because the induction will fail. I cried. I was dilated to a 1.5 and was having contractions all day and though I was scared, I was ready. But now I was freaking out that my induction was going to fail! Luckily though, she said I can stay and see if it would work and that she was actually going to be ending her shift in an hour. She did a quick membrane sweep and left the room. 

I was given an IV, and is probably the most painful IV in the world. It was an awkward position, so I could barely move my hand or arm.

The new midwife was perfect. She was a little Latina lady who her and I talked in the same way. I had my ghetto voice going. She said she wanted to have the baby out possibly in 12 hours. She put the balloon catheter in around 9-9:30 and put the Pitocin on a level one. Somewhere in this I thought by the end of the balloon I'd be dilated to a three.  The bad thing about the balloon is that you don't know how much you've progressed. You didn't know until the balloon would finally fall out.

The contractions came in quick and pretty hard. But it was okay and bearable. Austin and I sat in the room and watched the Food Network channel. Austin wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy so we watched that too. 

Initially we were going to have it just be me and Austin in the delivery room, but we also have my mom in there too. She helped a lot and probably helped me make sure I did not bite off Austin's head.  It was also nice to have her there because I had one on each side of me, Austin held my hand and my mom rub my leg. 

I finally asked for some pain medicine in my contractions got bad. I didn't want to ask for an epidural for a while. I've heard that it can slow down labor, and there is no way I was going to want to be sent home the next day!! That medicine was heavenly! It made me super dizzy, but for the first time I could close my eyes. Austin laughed at me because I finally relaxed and said, "I love medicine." 

You're not allowed to get up or walk around while on the medicine though because it makes you so dizzy. But not going to lie, I really wanted to go to the bathroom! They didn't tell me that I was only going to last 30 minutes though, and that 30 minutes away really quick!!!! I'd have to wait an hour before i could get another dose into my IV. That sucked. But before that hour ended, the balloon came out!! It was around 1, and I was a little sad because that meant I was probably only at a 3. I asked if I could get another dose of pain reliever, the nurse looked at me and said I can get the epidural. I was a little hesitant, I'd heard that epidurals can slow down the process. But we decided to go ahead and do it anyway.

We accredit everything from this point on to the movie Frozen. It wasn't until we started watching this movie that everything started to speed up. My body was ready to let this baby go!

Dorris, my midwife, came in and checked me, I was at a 7 or an 8!! We couldn't believe it, it went so quickly and I couldn't believe how strong I was, I was planning on getting an epidural at a 2! That's when I realized I could do this. 

The guy who did it was pretty cool, I think he thought I was too much of a worrier with all my what ifs, and assured me that if epidurals were that bad he wouldn't be giving them. I got brave and got the creepy epidural and was so relieved and was mostly comfortable.

At 2:15 a.m. my water broke!!!! This was the most exciting part yet because that meant no matter what, this little girl would be here in 24 hours! They couldn't send me home! 

Austin's mom, sister Nikayla, and grandma drove all day and came in to visit. I didn't want a lot of people in there because of my anxiety and stress. And labor isn't pretty. 

We got to talk a bit and I wanted to kill Austin because he was eating Jack in the Box that they brought and it smelled so bad I wanted to throw up!

Everyone was kicked out because it was time to rest. I was checked again and I was completely dilated and effaced. They stopped the epidural and I just wished I'd pressed the boost of the medicine a few more times because the contractions hurt even with the epidural! But they wanted to give me an hour for it to wear off some more so I'd know when to push. 

I loved this time we had alone. We said a prayer together. Austin was able to sleep but I of course could not. That hour disappeared and the contractions were very much there. My nurse came in just before 6 a.m. and said it was time to start pushing. It was go time.

I knew exactly when to push. I knew how to push. It's like my body knew what it was doing. Austin was there with me by my side. He encouraged me and supported me. Literally. he had my numb, dead weight leg. I remember looking up and seeing how excited he was. I'll never forget Austin in this way. So loving and  amazing to me. He is my favorite cheerleader and I'll always be grateful for him. 

When the baby started to crown, more nurses and my midwife came in. At one point or another, I thought I couldn't do it anymore. It hurt and I didn't think I could handle much more. It was hot and I couldn't breathe good. I cried and said I couldn't do anymore, Dorris grabbed my leg and looked me square in the eye and said, "No mamas, you use that. You use that!" So I couldn't stop. When it was time to push I pushed. 

Austin updated me on the progress the whole time. Told me I was close and that she had dark hair. Austin told me to push and I'm pretty positive I yelled at him saying, "I am pushing!!" The cord was wrapped around her neck so everything sped up. Our sweet Nora was born at 6:47 a.m. Less than 50 minutes of pushing. 

I waited for that first cry and the moment I heard it I was relieved. She had the sweetest, cutest cry. She was here. We cried. That was the first time I'd seen Austin cry. They put her on my chest and although I couldn't see her, she was beautiful. Even though she was hairy ;) I've never felt that kind of love before. It was a perfect kind of love. I don't know how else to describe it. But I'd never loved or been more grateful for anything else in my life. I'd never felt more loved by my husband before, even more than on our wedding day. And I don't think I loved him any more either.

This is my happiest memory.